Social-Strength Training for a Better Life and a Better World

These practices are seldom original, but borrowed from anywhere. So much has been done in self-improvement training that little is new under the sun. What is unusual here is centering a social-strength training discipline entirely in everyday life - making it available to almost anyone, without waiting for money, funding, personal freedom, or for other people to be ready.

We prefer practices that build basic personality strength instead of a specific skill. This way you can learn skills that you never knew existed. The first one below (Messages) is an example. But sometimes the only available method is conventional practice, repeating a skill to keep getting better at it.

I have no professional training in psychology, counseling, therapy, etc. This is what worked for me.

Messages

You need to know where people are at emotionally, right now.

How? Pay attention the “messages” they are sending out – usually not to you, often to no one in particular. Are they enthusiastic? Relaxed? In a hurry? Argumentative? Tired, discouraged, beaten down, or depressed? Watch their face, how they move, and how they choose to present themselves to others.

As an exercise this works best with strangers, when you can observe them without interacting much. With friends or colleagues there’s often so much going on that it’s better to focus on that and not split your attention for an exercise. Later, effective observation can become habitual in any situation.

What about using videos or movies to practice? I’m skeptical, because acting to portray an emotion to an audience is different from having that emotion. But this possibility should be explored, especially since COVID isn’t over and more pandemics are on the way.

Caution, staring is impolite and can even lead to violence. People don’t like being put onto a public stage when they are not ready for that.

Positive Filter

When observing or working with others, look for what’s admirable about them. What are they likely proud of? What may be well regarded by the public? If something appeals particularly to you, note that too.

When it’s appropriate, compliment them or otherwise acknowledge what they are doing well. People appreciate that.

This practice is more difficult with strangers, because you know much less about them. You can notice their “messages” as above, or their sense of design in clothing, hair styles, and how they move and approach others.

A major value of this practice is changing your default from seeing the negatives of others to seeing the positives. Many use negatives to make themselves look better in comparison.

Negotiation Training

Everyone negotiates; some do it well and some badly. There are lots of books on how negotiate, which is well-developed in our culture because it is essential for business. Here are two we particularly recommend.

An easy way to start is Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and others of the Harvard Negotiation Project. Their system is good on finding options for mutual gain. But sometimes that’s not possible, as when only one can win a promotion or an election.

The best negotiation book we know is Getting More, by Stuart Diamond, based on his popular negotiation class at the prestigious Wharton Business School in Philadelphia. To decide whether to spend the time and money ($18 for the paperback), you can read pages 1-19 of chapter 1 free on Amazon.com, even if you don’t have any Amazon account (click on "Read sample").

Some of the book’s examples may look silly - why put effort into small issues like a mediocre restaurant meal? But remember that the author is teaching business students, and he encourages them to practice and learn when the stakes are small - instead of making beginner mistakes later at work, when they might cost an important deal, job, or promotion.

Needed now: a separate document on negotiating or otherwise dealing with robots. Fortunately most robots are still online, but often they can hurt you anyway.

Couples, Marriage, Friendship [bid and response]

Drs. John and Julie Gottman founded the Gottman Institute, based on 40 years of research including over 3,000 couples. During their research they invited 130 newlyweds to spend a day in the Institute’s bed-and-breakfast-style laboratory. The Gottmans claim 94% accuracy in predicting who will be happily married six years later (only about three couples in 10), vs. who will be either divorced or chronically unhappy in their marriage.

Particularly important for success was the response to a “bid” for interest or connection from one’s partner. Those couples who would be divorced in six years responded positively to the bid only 33% of the time - vs. 87% for those who stayed together. For more information see Masters of Love in The Atlantic, June 2014 [you might be able read it free online, perhaps with a trial subscription; otherwise a library may have a print or online subscription].

Bid and response are worth our attention, in many human relationships: friends, lovers, and colleagues as well as marriage. Do you really want a long-term or closer relationship with this person or group? If so, be ready to go out of your way to learn and share their interests. And note whether they do the same for you.

Listening [for example, switch sides in an argument]

“Those that fight don't listen, those that listen don't fight.” Gestalt psychologist Fritz Perls, 1960s. And Abraham Lincoln said, "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better."

We are looking for practices to teach listening. One, more common in the late 1960s than now, was an exercise during an ongoing argument, in which each side argued the other’s position temporarily. Difficult but possible.

An easier version: develop the best case you can for an opponent’s position. You’ll probably find unexpected points of agreement. (Due to today's over-the-top outrage industry, both left and right, you might want to keep the result to yourself. Why be a martyr to nonsense?)

Asking for Assistance [practice this first when stakes are small]

Asking for help is hard for many people. But it's super important, part of how a healthy society functions. And you can learn how to do it better.

(a) Practice when the stakes are small. That avoids excess emotion, and especially in the beginning, is usually the right way to learn.

(b) Good observing and awareness of people (see the "Messages" and "Listening" practices above) will help you sense if now is a favorable occasion to ask - or if it isn’t. Without listening, you are flying blind because you don't know where others are at, right then ("here and now").

(c) The request should make conventional sense, and be framed with appropriate expectations. For example, asking for job leads usually gets a positive response (if the person you ask has any relevant leads to suggest at that time - most people don't); asking for help for a startup less so, except in special contexts.

Be aware of what their interests are, not only yours. And if one appeal or person doesn't work, try others.

Note Bonding Opportunities [don't throw good ones away]

Until recently I totally missed the importance of bonding with others through situations that are emotionally intense for the group, outside of routine reality. That made my work less effective than it could have been.

For example, I published AIDS Treatment News for 20 years, and there were many memorial services. I attended reluctantly, because our message at the newsletter was about saving lives, which had been ignored for too long by the early AIDS community focused on "a beautiful death" and grief, instead of medical research for lifesaving treatments. Once I was invited to a private gathering after a service, by an insider group at another AIDS organization. I turned it down, due to not wanting to focus on death. That was a mistake, as emotional bonding across that organizational divide could have helped both of us be more effective.

In a much earlier example, I left a college group trying to deal with the Cuban Missile Crisis in October 1962 (would we be alive the next day?) - to get to my job cleaning dorms, which could have been postponed at little cost.

Shared intense experience matters, and can open doors to exploring meaningful possibilities. Advance preparation can help - even if we don't know what the experience will be. For example, practices might teach how to deal with an awkward silence if it occurs. It’s important to learn first in casual, less important situations, where you have freedom to try ideas and recover from mistakes.

Caution: the need for bonding can go wrong, by encouraging unnecessary conflicts or wars, in order to provide common enemies to help cover up problems within a society. The human future may depend on finding better ways to handle polarization.

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Advanced and Miscellaneous

Here are some ideas that need work to develop useful training practices.

"What's Going On Here?"

Several times in my 20s or 30s I was in a social or professional meeting, when someone asked me, "Do you know what's going on here?" - meaning what was happening politically or interpersonally, not whether I understood the subject being discussed. I did not know. It should be possible to develop such skills - maybe by close reading of certain novels (Jane Austen?).

Cold Reading

A "cold reader" is a kind of fortune teller who does not use devices like cards, palms, or stars, but instead has a conversation with you, and then tells you things about yourself that you had no idea how they knew. More importantly, they may give you information about yourself that you hadn't known, but can recognize as true. Cold reading has interested persons who otherwise pay no attention to fortune telling. While part of it is trickery, another part comes from skillful understanding and observation of people. For more information, see this Wikipedia article, or Cold Reader Tips by MasterClass.

Advice Columns

Some newspaper advice columns focus on difficult or awkward social situations. It's like an advanced course in navigating current U.S. society. But be careful; following bad advice can be harmful.

Here are two that are well-regarded. Unfortunately both are behind the paywall of The New York Times. But even if you don't have a subscription, you can still see a list of the kinds of situations they cover:

Social Q's.

The Ethicist.

We are researching alternatives and expect to have more suggestions in the future. There are many advice sites; the problem is determining which ones are reasonably safe to use, in serious situations where you may feel over your head. If you want to do your own research, a handy place to start is to search for:
alternatives to social q's on any search engine.

Making a Living

Poverty is a major cause of dystopia. Some is deliberately created (Brexit?), but much occurs by happenstance or neglect. Modern technology could provide a comfortable life for everyone. But technology cannot support unlimited exponential growth[2].

Billions of dollars and thousands of people have worked to reduce poverty, with considerable but inadequate success. Here we are interested in what has worked on a personal or community level. Both the big-picture and the local methods are essential.

The practices described this writeup can help in obvious ways, like doing better in job interviews - or equally important, finding out about job openings in the first place, since many jobs are never advertised publicly.

One practice that helped me early in my career was applying for jobs I did not intend to accept (I almost did accept one of them, which would have changed the direction of my life). This is a way to understand the field and see what's going on, without the anxiety that interferes with awareness and learning.

But beyond the individual level, we need community action and support. Otherwise it's giant corporations and governments against individuals alone - not at all conducive to fair negotiation.

Nonprofits can help, but we can't rely on them completely. Usually they have good people but are also part of the system, and if their funding goes away so do they.

We Are Researching:

(1) Mondragón, a co-op founded in 1956 in the Basque region of Spain; it now employs over 80,000 people. The president of the company earns only 6 times more than the lowest-paid worker. We want to learn how Mondragón has been so successful, and how that information can be applied in very different environments.

(2) Religions that separate from the general society in order to live their faith are often very poor as a result; but sometimes middle class or rich. We want to understand how and why.

(3) Many successful careers happened unplanned, through a series of accidents. But many failures did, too. What made the difference? It's hard to find out, especially when conditions are changing so fast.

Study the Rich, Powerful, and Successful

Rich families usually develop certain practices that enable them to win and succeed, part of the family tradition. It should be possible to teach some of these skills so that anybody can use them regardless of their social class. Note that the main, most important uses are not competitive, not about who wins or loses, but about the successful management and enjoyment of life - including better health of course.

Upper-class privileges may be more important than skills for success in life. But skills are much easier to deploy, especially when the benefits are rapid and personal.

Ethics

Ethics works in different ways. In professions like law and medicine, boards can make it difficult or impossible for those they don’t like to make a living from their profession. This system has both advantages and disadvantages.

In other spheres there are no such boards and ethics are enforced by majority consensus (and by criminal law in some cases). That will be the default for the training we suggest here.

Ethics can be based on human dignity, how people should or should not be treated. For example, it shouldn’t be hard to get consensus that it’s wrong to facilitate con artists or other frauds, bullying, or sexual exploitation or abuse.

And ethics should promote what people really want - which today is security, community, and quality of life. People don't want crime and predation, which cause distrust and lonliness. They don't want winner-take-all economic and governance systems that guarantee thousands of losers for each big winner (thousands of homeless for each new billionaire, for example). And most people don't want war.